Friday 23 March. Day 22
I wanted to talk a bit about Integrated Recovery. This is what has been finding its way into my reading and listening this week. Podcasts feel like my bread and butter at the moment. I am listening to a lot of recovery podcasts, mostly women in recovery, but also other general soul feeding podcasts!
1. Holly Whitaker – Hipp Sobriety
I love this chick!
2. Rich Roll podcasts
all amazing, but particularly this one which talks about the qualities of the feminine, particularly in relationship, which is very pertinent to me at the moment, and has affirmed a lot of what I have been battling with on a personal level. Not all podcasts are about addiction but its a thread running through a lot of it..
3. Since Right Now Podcasts
These are guys who do this podcast but I love their gentle manner, emotional vocabulary and humor
4. Integral Recovery Institute
Another great podcast site which looks at integrated recovery and the different creative ways we can work with recovery
Ok so firstly I want to say that I am not in any way anti AA or the 12 steps. I am absolutely for them. But I want to talk about more than that. If it wasn’t for AA I might never have stopped the first time and it would have been much harder to stop again this time.
I think it is an amazing resource and gift to the world, not just for alcohol addiction but for any type of addiction or addictive behaviour. Like anything where we find a way to understand, heal and grow the human mind, soul, and body, we continue to learn more and we build on what great minds, hearts and communities have done before us. And so it is with AA. For me I think we can use it but add to it and make it part [maybe a big part] of a greater framework or field of support and recovery.
To go back a bit, this week in particularly I have been amazed and overjoyed to find out about something which I feel I really need and which I really relate to, and that is this concept of integrated recovery. I have always been someone who loves to draw from many wells. I love ideas and concepts and information. I like to have the choice and independence to pick and choose what suits me at a particular point in time and which aligns with my values, morals and just where I am at that point in time. I cannot be ‘just a christian’ or ‘just a Buddhist’ or ‘just an atheist’ , nor can I be ‘just a painter’ or ‘ just a mosaic artist’ or ‘just a doll maker’ or ‘just a road runner’ or ‘just a trail runner’. I need lots of strands.
These may change or swap. I may lean more towards one or the other at different times.
And so it is with recovery. I must be truthful – I never could and still don’t feel ok with saying “my name is… and I am…” Last time, this made me extremely anxious, I put huge pressure on myself to try to say this and to try to fit exactly into the ‘rules’ [although fortunately, they are not absolute rules but guidelines, albeit very strongly recommended].
I also battled and still do with this idea of making myself the center of attention and putting myself in a very vulnerable position through steps 8 and 9.
While I am not at all averse to the idea of them, and I see them as pretty important, I do feel that there are many ways to skin a cat. I am a visual, metaphorical person and my preference is to make amends in other ways through actions through my art as gift, through support and acceptance and loyalty etc etc through a myriad of ways, where my goal is that the recipient feel seen and heard and accepted and valued and that an amends has been made where it is helpful to both parties. Similarly a person might feel that a direct amends might be too oblique or well, who knows. Perhaps some subtlety may be useful… but I’m still thinking about this and not writing off one way or another.
It feels a huge relief to me to find that this idea of integrated recovery is true for many other people, who ARE still in recovery and living healthy morally and ethically sustainable lives, and particularly women.
I feel very fortunate to have started to find some of these people, who I can identify with.
I know that it is early days, and I have a LOT to work through and I am quite up and down and all over the place, but this core of an integrated recovery that I have found which has been put into words and which I can really identify with is a great relief to me.
I am still at odds about what to do about getting a sponsor. Perhaps I will write to someone from one of the above websites and see if I can bounce some ideas off them.
I do believe spirit will lead me to the right path.
I guess the thing that is niggling me a bit is that I did relapse and so I know that I do need to do something different to the last time. I also know and finally admit that while I do need and relish a lot of alone time to regroup and ground myself and not get overwhelmed, I do also need deep connection [to give and receive] and that is something I could potentially do or start with a sponsor.
Here are some pictures of my Guardian doll at the moment.
I simply want her to be a doll I can carry around with me, who is soft and uncomplicated and who is visible. She is bigger than my other dolls, she has bright lovely colours, she has texture, she is not perfect, she is a little awkward, she is quiet, and she is herself. She is my guardian. I am enjoying making her very much and look forward to meeting her once she is made.
Monday 26 March. The clocks have changed.
I feel a bit disheartened today and do not feel so full of hope. But every emotion passes. I am on day 25, and i am grateful for that. Perhaps that is good enough for today.
Making My Way 